and now, i proudly present: the lost interview of when i interviewed my mom for work but i couldn’t include the whole interview because, apparently, “interviewing your own mother is not a pitch for an article, audrey.” what???lol, sorry?? that makes no sense to me??? oookay, well, fine then, ANYWAYS,,,,

I Interview My Own Mom About Where She Likes to Travel for the Holidays

ME: Hi, Mom.

BETH FARNSWORTH: “Hi, Aud.”

Where is your favorite place to travel for the holidays?

“My own house.” (She laughs very loudly.)

Are there any special traditions you associate with this place?

“No.”

What did you love about it and why should people go there?

“I have a llama (points to a festive llama statue in the corner) and, uh. I have a llama, and we can watch Hallmark movies and I can prepare snacks, mostly just savory vegan snacks, chocolate, decaf coffee with your choice of festive holiday creamers, and lots of strange chips. And people shouldn’t go here.”

Are you describing your favorite foods?

“No, I am just describing what’s always in my pantry.”

So you are describing your favorite foods.

“Yes. And apples, I have lots of apples. And if you want peanut butter and raisins to prepare it with, I can provide that. And my husband, Don, is is very nice to be around, he is very calm. I consider him a major draw [to being here]. (To Don) You are a draw.”

Dad, how do you feel about being draw?

Don: “It’s a lot of pressure.”

Beth: “There’s no pressure.”

What is your absolute favorite thing to do there, at your house?

“Eat and do yoga and watch TV. And read.”

You’re making this difficult because I cannot ask you the other questions I asked everyone else.

“I’m sorry.”

It’s okay. The next one was supposed to be, “Have you ever traveled there with me and what was it like?” But, it’s your house. So. Obviously I’ve been to your house.

“Do you count going to Walmart and Target? We travel there when you visit.”

“Okay, Mom. What’s it like traveling to Walmart with me?”

“It’s wonderful.”

Be honest.

“No. It’s wonderful”

Do you read my articles on Fodor’s?

“When you tell me to read them. I don’t know when they’re there if you don’t. Whenever I look at Fodor’s, I get annoyed, because I click on other people and they’re not you. Maybe you guys can do another section for people’s’ mothers, like for me, to find your writing.

Oh my god. My coworkers write great articles, too, you know.

“I am kind of busy. I have two jobs. And I like to eat.”

Do you have a favorite holiday decoration? Where did you get it?

“I just got it at Target. It’s a llama. I would like to also say I used to have a favorite Santa Claus cookie jar, but I donated it to Saver’s and I don’t know why. It was a Santa head on a  glass thing. But, now I have the llama.”

Describe your favorite holiday travel destination in 5 words or less.

“It’s festive (She looks outside for a long time). In 5 words or less? I was going to say I like looking at the Christmas lights on the fence in the backyard because then I can’t see the drones. But the drones haven’t been here since the lights have been up. There’s drones. (To my dad) You believe me don’t you? (My dad nods).”

Thank you. That was definitely five words.

“You’re welcome.”

What are your thoughts on Santa Claus?

“I love Santa Claus. In fact, when I was a child and slept in the same bedroom as Aunt Penny, I saw Santa in his sleigh fly by our window.”

You did.

“I did.”

You saw Santa.

“I saw the sleigh and reindeer. I’m not kidding. Aunt Penny believes me.”

Thank you for letting me interview you.

“You’re welcome. Fix that Fodor’s thing so I can go right to your stories.”