i’m going to talk about hallmark movies to you.

i am going to talk about hallmark movies for a second to you. right now, that is what i have to do. i HAVE to. recently, a man i barely know had the audacity to refer to hallmark movies as “agonizing” to me. i did what anyone would do–i said, “that’s fair, but, wow, rude.”

the argument
here is why hallmark movies are good: they are not good. lots of people hate them, and, hey man, i get it! like, i surely don’t think they warrant shouting, “HALLMARK MOVIES ARE AGONIZING!” at someone you just met who just casually mentioned they like to watch them, because, wow, there are definitely other things you can feel so strongly about, but overall, i get why people don’t like them. of course i do– i may not have pristine standards, but i can… see and hear.

however, look, there is an inherent hilarity to them that resonates deep within my soul because of the mere fact that every single movie is the same one movie. they are all one thing, and i find joy in that they exist and cause me to scream-laugh, VERY loudly. i mean, for god’s sake, a lot of the time they involve two people meeting AND talking in an elevator, which absolutely has never happened before, ever. not even once! don’t argue with me. if it’s happened to you, you imagined it. i’m sorry.

season after season, there is a new 27-film batch of the same one movie. however, with each season brings a new subgenre of hallmark film. during the holidays, there is always a santa character and he is always very obviously santa but no one suspects that he is the real santa, but he is always the real santa.  during the springtime, there are fucking. farms? or something. or a spring festival (??what even is that?????). tulips are there, and are, for some reason, an integral part of the story. during the summer, love is found near a lake or another type of sea, or there’s a flower somehow involved in this season, as well. farms might bleed into summer. during fall, everyone is a baker and they are catering the town’s fall festival (another festival! there are so many festivals!). 

may i describe the characters to you?
can i just describe the characters to you? i think i’m going to do that. based off of my intense research over a span of 5+ years, i have decided that i am going to briefly describe the major characters in every hallmark movie to you right now. 

the beautiful star
here she is–here’s our girl. likable and actually the most beautiful angel to walk the planet, this woman is about to go through something incredible. perhaps she was fired from her big-city job, and moves (for whatever reason) to the country, temporarily (or so she thinks!). little does she know that she will soon fall in love with the slow days of the country, and how there is no regular business going on there. people run businesses with their hearts in the country. and you know what else they do in the country with their hearts? they fall in love. and you KNOW she will be falling in love with the assistant to her farmer dad, as they will be spending so much time together when she offers to help her parents around the farm. this woman is also aways 29 because 30 is bad and old. 

(*note: i will never be the star of a hallmark movie because i am 32 and this is something i have to reconcile every day of my bad and old life.)

the man of the beautiful star’s dreams
this guy is, at best, a pretty regular and decent dude, who is portrayed as THE BEST MAN TO HAVE EVER WALKED THE PLANET EARTH. this guy is basically jesus christ himself. first of all, he listens to our beautiful main star–like, he ACTUALLY listens. and get this–he respects her! which, like, what??? no one has ever done that before?? also, he can usually be found staring at our beautiful leading lady like a psychopath who never learned how to look at people right. he is visiting the country to assist her dad (an old family friend) at his motherfucking farm–which is failing. the farm is failing! the farm is always failing. farm, business, festival, fuck it, pick one–it’s failing as hell.

the current boyfriend of the main star who works at a bank
this man always works at a bank. every boyfriend who gets broken up with in the beginning part of a hallmark movie works, or manages, a bank. for awhile, it made me believe that ALL boyfriends manage banks and i just haven’t had one in a while, so i forgot. this guy SUCKS though, because although he seems supportive, he actually is just looking out for himself and trying to project his OWN agenda (working at and managing a bank) onto his girlfriend, who has deeper goals, like finding love on a farm with someone who isn’t him.

the current shitty city-girlfriend of the main star’s new love interest
this woman has one thing on her mind and it’s getting her boyfriend, the man assistant the farmer dad, to fall in line with her standards–big city standards. this woman owns a loft in new york city and is sick and tired of her boyfriend traveling back to vermont or wherever the fuck to visit his family and family friends and help them with their farm, or festival, or business (just pick one! it doesn’t matter!). she’s sick of it! why does he go back there? small town vermont sucks, and she lets him KNOW IT. she is also the only person in the world who inexplicitly hates dogs for some reason. she also hates his parents’ farm, or used bookstore, or cat rescue, AND she hates cats, and books, and all of Vermont, actually, as well. most of all, she hates her boyfriend’s childhood friend he recently reconnected with (the beautiful star and woman he will leave her for) while at home visiting his (yawn) parents and other family friends. 

the best friend who only cares about the main star’s wellbeing

this woman doesn’t give a FUCK about her own life and only cares about her best friend, the most beautiful woman in the world. she has no other purpose in life other than asking how her angel best friend’s love life is going.

a lawyer

if there’s one thing i know about this guy, it’s this: he is in this movie, also. and believe you me, he has something to say. usually, that thing is that the Dream Man, who is his best friend, should NOT move permanently to the countryside to live near his family and be with our Beautiful Star! is he nuts?! this was supposed to be a TEMPORARY trip, and he’s got a life and a perfectly shitty girlfriend who hates dogs and his parents waiting for him at home, in the city. the lawyer will show up at exactly the right moment to be like, “hey! listen to me about your life, guy! i’m a lawyer, just like you are, or were, or however the fuck we know each other” but then he’ll be gone as quickly as he showed up, because he’s got a case to work on or whatever he does. new york.

an old cowboy who is also there for some reason
i don’t know where this guy came from, but he is wise. he always has a voice that sounds like if a strong mountain became sentient, and also was someone’s dad. in this case, he is the beautiful woman star of this movie’s uncle or some shit and he doesn’t give a hell about her cityboyfriend’s  slick promises! he’s here to deliver the blunt truth via cowboy wisdom. he is from the old west (a place that DOES still exist) and doesn’t take crap from these city slickers–“i  don’t trust someone who manages a bank,” is something he might tell his niece. when she breaks up with her city boyfriend, he will instruct her to follow her heart, but not to let it overpower her life goals. don’t be ridiculous by falling in love with ANOTHER man! you have to finish your  lawyer school and take the big test or whatever the fuck (that’s another thing he usually says)!