I reviewed the “Moonfall” trailer line by line because after watching the trailer, there was an earthquake inside of my skull and the only thought left was “this trailer is an ancient script and you are a scholar whose future depends on figuring out what is going on.”

I physically had no choice.

We open on a man who is giving a transmission to…someone. 

GUY: If you are watching this, you know a huge problem is headed our way.

What is it? Is it regular? Is a regular thing headed our way or is it something else that’s huge? 

GUY: Meet in the usual spot. There will be free bagels.

Usual spot? Are you in an “Are You Afraid of the Dark” style camp tribe that gets together and tells problems to each other nightly around a campfire? Is the bagel thing a clue?

GUY 1: I’ve made a shocking discovery and I need you to get me in touch with NASA, immediately. 

GUY 2: NASA and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms anymore. 

Okay so the problem is huge enough that it necessitates you telling a guy that he needs to get you in touch with NASA. But the guy isn’t on speaking terms with NASA, and he says it in a way that’s like, “WELL, y’know, I kinda kissed NASA’s wife and now he’s mad at me.”

Also, just as a side note, “I’ve made a shocking discovery and I need you to get me in touch with NASA immediately” is ALWAYS the first thing I say when I FaceTime my mom and have something to tell her about something in my fridge! Found some fucking intense grapes at the store today, Mom! Get me in touch with NASA immediately!

GUY: That’ll change when you tell them that the moon is out of orbit. 

Who is this guy? He knows NASA, right? Like, if *I* told NASA the moon was out of orbit, they’d probably be like,“Somebody get this bozo out of here and back into the clearance section of a Bath and Body Works where she belongs.” But if one of NASA’s FRIENDS said it, they might be like, “Oh, no shit, dude? What’s up, my man?”

Okay, and then it’s just a bunch of regular lines from movies where disasters happen:

GUY BEING PULLED DOWN A HALLWAY AS PAPERS FLY EVERYWHERE: I’M NOT CRAZY!

LITERAL HALLE BERRY: Why are they lying about all of this?

ME: Okay. Okay. Yes. I know these lines. You’re all doing a great job. 

DONALD FUCKING SUTHERLAND: It’s too late to stop.

ME: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT??????????? STOP WHAT???????

Wait. Halle Berry just said it’s an “intelligent entity” and they are “planning to attack this thing.” Okay. Okay so it’s an alien. I understand. I know about those. Please continue. Wait, HANG ON, why did someone write “screw the moon” on a space ship. Screw the moon? Who has access to a NASA rocket and writes “screw the moon” on it? Is the answer going to piss me the fuck off? I’m sorry but this trailer seems fake. Is this real? What is happening? What’s falling? To me, it looks like the ocean is arriving and breaking apart the earth. Is the ocean bad???

PATRICK WILSON: If the moon really is what you think it is, suit up.

If the moon really is what you think it is???? What does he think the moon is???? WHAT IS THE MOON. What is it? Is it not the moon? What is it?????? I can’t breathe. I cannot breathe out of my face.

And then the song…hahaha, excuse me (sucks every ounce of air available in my albuterol inhaler) the song playing is“Bad Moon Rising.” So the moon is bad? The moon is bad. The moon is literally rising and it’s “bad.” I am going to physically die. It appears that the ocean is attacking space and everyone is yelling about how the spaceship is flying itself. The space ship is aiming a gun at…what is it aiming at???? The moon???? Is this allowed? Everyone is just yelling “hang on.” EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER HAS YELLED THE SENTENCE “HANG ON.” I’m not alive anymore. But if I WAS still alive? I’d buy this movie and watch it while laying on the ground with the TV on top of me because I have no idea what is going on anymore. With this or anything. Watching this movie might physically kill me, or it might convince me that if I learn how to drive a plane, I can fly it to the past and stop the Titanic from sinking. In fact, I KNOW it will convince me of that.

With this knowledge, what do I do? Do I watch “Moonfall”? Do I watch “Moonfall,” crack in half like an egg, and allow the new, more insane version of myself to be born and try to fly a commercial airline to the year 1912 to scare everyone away from the docks of the Titanic? Is that my life’s purpose?