well, hey there! i’m a really big fan of all of your christmas activities that you and your spouse are doing together, and that you are posting about on social medias this year. and i had this great idea, that maybe you might want to… include me in them! here is how you might benefit, from doing that.

your christmas travels
i am very nice in the time of traveling. for example, if you guys are going on a plane, and the plane sucks, i can be right there with you, smiling very largely while clapping at you and your spouse, and you guys might enjoy that. would you like that? would you like me to do that for you? i will gladly do this.

your families
i see you are all with your families, and that is very great. very nice time for you to be with families, but ah, man, families can be crazy, right? i will get right on in there between you guys if there is a fight and say, “hey! put your problems on me! i will take all of your problems! fight them to me!” i will be beneficial in taking all of your fights that you don’t want. would you like me to do that?

reciting of the annual christmas poem, to your father

i know that the reciting of the annual christmas poem to your dad is always a frightening experience, especially because of how mad he always becomes. but do not worry, i will be there to hold off his angry yells and i will stand between you guys as he yells and bellow, “stop this! for it is christmas, and the poem is a fine one! accept the christmas poem, dad. accept it. you will be accepting the poem, father,” and he will!

the time of where the holiday roast grows larger and tries to become one of your cousins
this is always hard thing to deal with, upon being home at christmas with your family. you and your wife are probably very stressed each year, when the cooked turkey begins shaking and rumbling and then begins growing very large, before screaming, “i am not a meat! it is me, cousin tim,” and the family disperses in different directions, fearfully. i would like to extend my help to you, in this time. i will be here for you during this time, if you invite me to your family’s christmas. please will you do that. please invite me to your christmas. thank you

i will let the elf on the shelf kick my ass
i will let the elf on a shelf kick my ass, so that he will not kick yours. he always kicks someone’s ass, and it’s usually yours, but this year, it will be mine! this is my holiday gift to you and your family. invite me to your christmas, and i will let the elf on the shelf kick my fucking ass, save yourself, and let it happen to me. i do not mind. i don’t mind!!! invite me!!! ♦