tube wars: eels vs. snakes

[imagine this first part as a scroll, like at the beginning of star wars]



snakes and eels have been at odds, silently, for many years.

fucking why, you ask? well, for years the snakes have mocked the eels for looking like “just alien snakes with capes on” and the eels were very hurt by this, probably because it’s kind of true. and the eels? well, they have just long believed that there are simply too many different types of snakes and that it’s stressful.

ANYWAYS, for years, the eels made plans to march to land wearing suits filled with water, but every time the plans were finalized, they were mysteriously stolen, forcing the eels to start the fuck over from scratch, which sucked shit! how was this happening!

i’ll tell you why, motherfucker–the snakes had guys in the water stealing the plans: the sea snakes*. the sea snakes sabotaged everything for the eels just, like, all the fucking time. for decades and maybe more.

while you might think that sea snakes and eels are alike, you’re fucking wrong as shit. they’re nothing alike. yes, they’re tubes, but that’s where it ends and that’s nothing. stop fucking thinking that it means anything, you’re embarrassing yourself.

until one day, when a sea snake fell in love with an eel, and everything changed. they were able to keep their love hidden for many months but their love was revealed to the sea world when the eel’s best friend betrayed the couple and told the eel king, hoping to be rewarded. the tubed lovers were brought before the throne and when the king looked upon their pure love, his heart softened. who was he to stop true love?

many eels disagreed with the king and there was a great underwater war. eventually that fucking ended, whatever, blah blah blah, the sea snakes ended their allegiance to the land snakes once and for all (unbeknownst to the land snakes, of course) and joined forces with the eels, taking their side in the Eels Vs. Snakes rivalry, and at last giving them the advantage they needed to defeat the snakes (land ones) once and for all. again. i already said once and for all

jesus christ this is taking forever, anyways, with the protection of the sea snakes, the eels were finally able to create a successful prototype for a suit filled with water. and then they made like a million of them and distributed them to eels everywhere. there wasn’t a draft or anything, everybody just wanted to do this. which isn’t my problem. don’t get mad at me about this! 

the eels have long planned to one day put on suits filled with water and march to land, ready to defeat the snakes once and for all. 

today, december 31, 2020, is that day. 

[end of star wars scroll. the epic poem begins now]

the eels arrived on the shores of the land,

dressed in their armor that was tubed suits filled with water.

and they marched from the sea to where the snakes were

it happened all at once, and everywhere on earth, but this account is only of one of the places.

trust me, though, they were all like this, so you do not have to know about each one, specifically!

anyways, the snakes were having a big new year’s party, and all of the snakes in the region were in attendance.

and as the snake piano player played the piano with both his tail and his head,the king snake took to the podium to give his big new year’s speech.

but suddenly the doors to the ballroom flew openand in slithered the sea snakes, one by one.

“why’re you guys late to my party,” said the rude snake king into the microphone.

the sea snakes did not answer, and just kind of stood there like fucking weirdos.

“why aren’t you guys answering me!” the king screamed.

the room fell quiet, and the lead sea snake spoke up.

“sorry we’re late, we were in the sea, uh. doing shit,” he said.

and the snake king laughed and raised his champagne glass into the air.

“a toast to the sea snakes, who from year to year, sabotage the eels and keep them from attacking us and shit!”

“fuck the eels!” shouted a random snake in the crowd.”yeah, fuck them! i hate them!” said the king.

“actually, do not fuck them,” said a voice, and everyone went silent and turned to the doors, where two shadows emerged…

it was the sea snake and eel who fell in love, and she was wearing a suit of water and therefore able to be on land!

the snakes began hissing, how did she get that!

“what is going on here!” screamed the king, “why is that woman eel wearing that suit!”

“things have changed,” said the sea snake, “and this is my wife.”

“do you guys know about this?” the king asked the other sea snakes, who, again, didn’t fucking say anything, they were kind of fucking this up, let’s be honest, but then finally one of them went, “yeah, we changed sides,” and the king just stared at them and then turned to his wife, and was like “do you know what’s going on?” and she was like “no?”

suddenly, realizing that the sea snakes were really shitting the bed, the eels decided that it was time to make their entrance.

and thousands of eels swung in from the rafters, swinging in on ropes and from chandeliers.

some of them even somehow popped up out of the ground and others just kind of flopped in through the windows.

“what! the fuck is going on, hahaha,” the king snake shouted while also kind of laughing, because seriously, what the hell?

“get me to the front!” a voice in the crowd said, and finally the king eel marched up to the king snake, and they were face to face at last.

they stared at each other for a good 30 seconds, until the king snake was like, “what is happening,” and the king eel was like, “we’re here to defeat you, so that we may rule both the land and the sea.”

and the king snake was like, “what? what does that even mean? you guys can’t even be on land in a sustainable way.”

and a random sea snake shouted, “they got tubed water suits now!”

the king snake laughed and said, “you will never defeat us, there’s like 4000 types of us and like 5 of you guys,” and a random eel was like, “there’s like 19 kinds of eels actually!” and the king eel was like, “look, there’s too many kinds of snakes, and we all find it stressful.”

and the king snake was like, “you will never succeed,” and the king eel got in his fucking face and was like: “some of us are wearing capes and that’s our bodies!”

and the king snake got in HIS face MORE and was like: “well, our heads are fucking terrible, and look like pure evil got caught in a disgusting mask!”

after that everything just went off the fucking rails, and it was a big battle.

and right when it looked like the eels won, more snakes showed up, but the eels had a plan for THAT too, because they had blown up one of their guys like in that movie Honey I Blew Up The Kid and a BIG fuckin’ eel came and just sat on all the rest of the snakes.

and then the war was over. eels won.

eels won! eels won.