wells fargo has nice customer service and i don’t have any problems with my banking experiences there, except when it comes to one thing:

none of these customer service representatives will listen to my math poems when i call for that reason.

in no particular order, these are the worst employees i have dealt with (thus far).

BRENDA
brenda is the worst. every time i call, she’s like, “account number, please?” and i’m like, “the absolute value of the square is three/the absolute value of a prism is me/2 plus 2 plus 2 is you—” and she stops me mid-poem and is like, “ma’am, can I please have your account number?” and i try to continue and she fucking hangs up on me.

STEPHEN
don’t even get me started on stephen. if he answers the call, i say, “per chance, if you will /don’t let it be chance / if 3 + 8 is 91, then you are my prince,” and he goes, “excuse me?” and i say, “did you enjoy that one?” and he says, “what are you doing?” i am so sick of this happening, with stephen. it’s like, seriously, man? wow. it’s called poems. learn it.

JOHNATHON
i straight up don’t understand johnathon. he always seems to like my poems at the beginning, but then after i say one and he goes, “that was nice,” and i try to go into another, he says, “miss, I’m going to need you to tell me why you called if we’re going to continue–” and i cut him off and begin singing, “thrice i’ve seen a dividend! / 3 times in my life, I have seen that guy/ i’m looking for 5 but i can’t find the bank,” and he says “are you looking for the nearest bank location?” and i say, “hypotenuse! hypotenuse!/ nay to the fouls who hath never seen one/ 75 + 82 is thord!” and he says, “”thord?” and i begin the non-vocal, clapping portion of my poem, and that’s always when he disconnects me like i’m nothing. like i AM NOTHING.

PENNY
i thought penny and i were cool, but then one day when i called, and began my rhymes, she immedaitely put me on hold and i didn’t even realize it for about 13 minutes, so I was just singing my poems to no one!!! to no one at all!!! i am hurt by this!!!!

PAMELA
once i called and pamela answered and said, “thank you for calling wells fargo, i am pamela,” and i said, “7 is the number, 7 is the one/ 7 times 2 is nothing, this i know/ i am alone, i am very alone,” and she began crying and said, “me too,” and i hung up because i do not need that right now.

LOWEL
i thought lowel was cool, and then he told me that i can’t call wells fargo anymore, and i was like, “but what if i have a question?” and he said, “you obviously don’t,” and then tells me that they’ve been monitoring my phone calls and that i can’t call them anymore!!! lowel! you’ve been monitoring my calls? you got nothing better to do, or what?? WOW, LOWELL, someone doesn’t have anything to do. hahaha someone doesn’t have a fUCKING LIFE! ha! jesus christ, lowel. get your shit together. you’re the problem, i’m not

PEEPO
sometimes i get mad when i call and peepo answers but then i remember that i made peepo up inside my head, when wells fargo told me i couldn’t call them anymore, and i’m not talking to anybody! i’m talking to me! I’M peepo! peepo isn’t real! i made him up! i fucking hate this guy! peepo is a fucking narc!