Over the past week and a half, I have become obsessed with one thing, and one thing only: the beluga whale Russian spy, who might also be a child therapist and who, occasionally, will retrieve your iPhone for you, should you drop it into the ocean.

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Anyways, I am not fucking around. Below is the beginning of this venture. I am happy to present, for absolutely no fucking reason, the captain’s log of the Beluga Whale Russian Spy’s full journey, and how he got wrapped up in this situation in the first place.

Captain’s Log of the Beluga Russian Spy

By Audrey Farnsworth

Hello, it is me: The former regular Beluga whale turned Russian spy. As a precursor, let me just state: I didn’t ask for this life. I was happy being a regular whale. But I was approached at a young age by the military and, honestly? I was naive. They could have told me anything and I would have done whatever they wanted–because I am a whale and literally never know what anyone is saying to me–and I’m just glad that this situation did not lead to anything dire. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am a good guy.

This is why I am releasing my journals. I want the world to know that I am an innocent. The spy life is not for me anymore, and to be honest, when I BEGAN being a spy, I didn’t know what was even going on–again, due to the fact that I am a whale.

With these journal entries, my name will be cleared–I am sure of it.

DECEMBER 8, 2018

hallo i have been taught to make words with typing! i am whale. i have new friends that have taken me in, to be their family! they have strapped a hat to my head. it is heavy and i don’t like it but i do like new family, even though they keep yelling at me. what am i doing

DECEMBER 10, 2018

today my family teach me how to go down underwater and find rocks. one of the rocks explode! but i am ok. scary day! i don’t know what’s happening! beluga

DECEMBER 12, 2018

all day they make me do exercise. i swim down to retrieve an item, give it to my family, and they yell and yell. Item looks like rock!!!! also today i was given a new necklace! it has small television on it. I know what television is

JANUARY 17, 2019

Greetings. It has been some time since my last entry. I do apologize for this, but it is due to the fact that I have endured very intense training over the past month, and now possess full cognitive awareness. The things I have seen have made me grow up—fast. I fear I am being turned into a weapon and I don’t want this. However, I am loyal to my family and must do what they ask of me! I just hope it doesn’t conflict with my morals.

Also just to be clear, it was not rocks I was locating, it was explosives, which makes sense, as they kept exploding. Also, the necklace was a harness with a camera on it, and the hat was also a camera. I am a peaceful creature and do not wish to associate myself with weapons, or even worse, be a weapon. I will continue to do as they wish… for now.

JANUARY 25, 2019

Today I have broken a previous record for speed. It took only 35 seconds for me to swim my laps. I’ve been thinking a lot about my purpose in this world, and it seems as though that this is what my whole life has been preparing me for. I was previously unwilling to act as a weapon of any sort, or participate in anything that might be viewed as “wrong,” however… what if this is my destiny? What if I was created for carnage? I am torn.

FEBRUARY 10, 2019

I am a killing machine. I have accepted this. Death to all.

FEBRUARY 12, 2019

I would like to retract my previous statement. I don’t know what came over me! I am fearful to report that sometimes I am not in control of my own thoughts. Meetings with my family (a team made up of 45+ human males) have proven not meetings at all but something called “hypnosis sessions,” in which “my family” coerces me into doing their bidding. And it pains me to say that I do not believe their intentions are good ones. I still have more to uncover, and hope I’m wrong.

MARCH 10, 2019

Apologies for my disappearance. A lot has happened. Let me explain.

It appears that I have been tricked, from the very start. All this time, the Russians have been using me. I am merely a pawn. I will break free of this life! However, I must proceed with caution. I must make my escape slowly and over time, fooling them as they have fooled me. Family they are not—I have no family. I am in control of my destiny.

MARCH 15, 2019

Although I have been trained, extensively, over the past three months for espionage, I am happy to report that my heart has fully returned to me. In the beginning, my heart was all I had: I was a sweet whale, and all I wanted to do was eat my fish. A thing you may not know about beluga whales is that we are generally shy in nature. I have lived an isolated life up until this point, and this has caused me to be more trusting. It is, therefore, understandable that I let myself be taken advantage of like this.

I used to want to cuddle humans when I saw them—this is no more, after I have seen the sinister acts of manipulation they are capable of. I can no longer trust them. Sorry for being so emotional.

MARCH 25, 2019

I’ve decided that I must make my escape. I have been swim-pacing back and forth in my pool all night, trying to demise a plan of action—I haven’t slept a wink.

Quite frankly, my time is running out. I have heard rumors that they plan to deploy me out into the Atlantic and use me as a transport for explosives. I won’t do it; I can’tdo it. The time to act is now, regardless of whether or not I have a plan.

In the morning, I swim north. Why north? I don’t know. I must follow my intuition.

APRIL 25, 2019

It has been almost a month since I last updated. Apologies—I’ve been swimming. A few times I lost my way, and wound up back at the military base (what can I say, the ocean is confusing). Anyways, long story short, I have been swimming nearby somewhere called “Norway” lately. Thinking about approaching the shore sometime.

MAY 2, 2019

I love Norway. The people I have met are kind, and have given me many cuddles. Needless to say, I am beginning to regain my trust for humans.

MAY 3, 2019

Heard a rumor from one of the seagulls I have befriended that Norway is considering adopting me as their own (yay), however, there are some town officials want to send me away. Time will tell.

May 7, 2019

A woman dropped her phone into the water today, and I went down and retrieved it. Everyone was so happy and gave me cuddles! This is how I will win their love, and stay in Norway for good. My espionage training has not been for nothing—I will use it to sneak my way into all of their hearts, and no one will ever leave me.