the annual holiday letter, from detective audrey p. farnsworth

greetings friends and family,

it’s that time again—time for my annual holiday letter. i’ll get right into it.

this was a big year for me right from the get go, because in (as many of you know) in january i switched careers, going from 40+ years serving in law, as a lawyer, to finally following my true calling: huge spy. all of you have heard this story, so i won’t go into much detail, but it was literally january 1, 2019, and  i was leaving my office in new york city, having just convinced a judge that my client, a male chef, was robbed by his brother, the defendant, who was also his twin. the judge ruled “what?” and i said “order!” and he said “that’s fine” and i said “i can’t handle THIS truth!” and everyone stood and began clapping for me so i bowed at them, and left the office for the final time. sometimes your intuition just does the work for you.

after that, i went straight to the bank—it was time to begin my new career as a spy. i had already done my research and knew that i couldn’t go back to school to be a spy, and then just figured i should… start doing it on my own. anyways, long story short, i walked into the bank, got nervous, and accidentally attempted to ROB the bank—in my anxiety rush, i (very unfortunately) confused “spy” and “thief,” so i walked in and said “this is a stick up” and, long story short, i got thrown into jail. 

february through june, i spent in jail.

july marked the occasion of my big trial, and i was absolutely elated to be on the other side of the court situation (the criminal side)–the perspective was fascinating! i was sentenced to 20 years in prison without parole. 

before they took me away to… go to prison, i guess… i decided to make a run for it. i knew the ins and outs of that court building so when i asked someone if i could use the bathroom, i escaped through the vents in there and climbed my way through the walls and eventually fell out the side of the building from a pipe. this wasn’t my first rodeo—i had exited the building this way before whenever i had been trying to avoid someone i didn’t want to talk to, so, honestly, it wasn’t even hard to do.

that’s when i made my way to the marina. i stole the first unmanned ship i could find and sailed it straight out to the sea. all of the sea cops were busy because someone else was, apparently, stealing a different ship at the same time, so, what can i say, i got lucky. it was all open water for me now. 

august i mostly spent underwater, searching for the titanic. i know it was rumored to already have been found (and in the ATLANTIC ocean, not the pacific, where i was) but honestly i just never quite bought that, and wanted to see if i could find it for myself—which i did not. it is located (and i guess this is very widely known) underwater approximately 400 nautical miles from newfoundland, canada. c’est la vie.

september i kept sailing… west? i think? i got caught in a pretty awful storm and when it cleared up i was immediately captured by some pirates and then released 1 day later for being too annoying to them. they actually dropped me off exactly at my home because they “didn’t want to risk that i would get lost finding my home and go back to them”, like these guys really hated the fuck out of me. this made me REALLY nervous because, naturally, i was an EXTREMELY wanted woman. 

luck was on my side again, it seemed, because apparently that storm i sailed through was actually a portal to the past, but not THAT far into the past—just to december 31, 2018… before i robbed the bank, and when i was just a regular lawyer not wanted for robbing a bank and then stealing a ship. i was a free woman. 

anyways, january (again) through july (again) was all pretty regular. i just stayed a lawyer (yawn) and kept winning cases despite truly not knowing absolutely anything about law. i had money, i used it to get my hair cut a few times. i bought 1 plant for my apartment but it escaped and fled to my neighbor’s apartment because, as she put it, i “can’t have this.” i think my neighbor has been stealing from me for years.

in october i turned 872 years old and celebrated at my favorite rainforest cafe location, which only still exists because i spent half my savings on keeping it open several years ago. not a day goes by when one of the servers doesn’t send me an email begging me to close it down but, what can i say, i love that dang monsoon, and i love that little molten lava cake. 

i slept through november, and when i awoke in december, i didn’t have a job anymore. so, dear friends, i’m in the market for a new career. i’m thinking that i want to be a staff writer on a television show, so if anybody knows a guy, definitely put in a good word for me. i have plenty of tales to tell.

update from the skeleton manning the ship inside my brain: he still wants me dead! (he’s such a nut).

all right, that’ll do it from me, at this time. i will be talking to you guys in the new year. this has (literally) been the longest year of my life!

spies and thieves are different things,