tales of holiday characters, who everyone knows. everyone knows these characters

it is holiday now which means that all of the holiday characters are about to come out and bestow us with cheer of the winter season. everyone knows that when the clock strikes midnight on the lord’s birthday (and this year, it is his 44th birthday), the holiday characters descend from the sky and enter into our world, for the holiday. here they all are… make sure you are being ready for them!

shannon
everyone knows shannon. it is shannon, the whimsical elf who stands on top of the refrigerator and screams at you when you go to grab a slice of christmas pie. “that’s mine,” he says, as you reach for the door and you ignore him, and then he goes, “you know it is mine,” and you’re like, “dude what” and he’s like, “i’ll marry you if you touch my… if you touch my holiday pie!!!” and then he does do that. and you are now a christmas bride. what a treat.

sanderson, the large couch
the tale of sanderson the large couch is one that dates back to the early 1700s, when santa claus fell into the home of an old clockmaker named sanderson (who was not at home), and then immediately fell asleep on his large couch. sanderson came home from the market and screamed, waking santa, who was too sleepy to remember that he had fallen asleep in someone else’s home and mistook sanderson for a criminal who had broken into HIS house. and then he uh. put a curse on sanderson. who. turned into a couch. wait

the lord, who is currently in his mid forties
here he is, the star of the show. it’s the lord, but he is in his mid forties. that’s right, jesus is here and he is 44 years old. “technically i’m in my early forties still actually,” the lord says to you far too loudly, as he leans over your bed each december morning when you first awake.

jooftown the big deer
all of the reindeer had a job to do on christmas eve, but one christmas when all of them got the flu, santa didn’t have anyone to guide his sleigh through the night. “what am i going to do about this,” santa said to his friend kevin at the local north pole bar by both of their homes. kevin brought santa to a cave by the ice sea, and introduced him to a fat deer called jooftown, and santa was like, “this works,” and brought jooftown to his garage and tried to attach him to his sleigh. it didn’t work. christmas stopped.

santa’s cousin, Breem
“my name is breem,” breem says, arriving at your home every christmas morning. “i don’t know you,” you say, and he replies, “i’m. the main guy! the main big christmas man!” and you say, “no thank you,” and he says, “i am the one,” and you say, “please. no,” and this goes on for the duration of the day, until breem becomes hungry and leaves to buy a sandwich at a gas station.

elf on a shelf
this is a murderer.

ronald mcdonald
everyone knows that thanksgiving was formed when santa claus and ronald mcdonald, the known burger clown, feasted together on the mayflower boat and this is why they are featured in the holiday parades. they, to this day, are the stars of the holiday season, praise be, and hail to the kings. merry christmas.

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