i didn’t trust a soul on this planet but everything changed one day when i decided to go to disneyland by myself.

“this fucking sucks shit,” i said, loudly, to no one, as i entered the magical kingdom, startling a family of four. the father shook his head at me, and ushered his children away. what did i care? i didn’t.

i wandered around the park for several hours, kicking any small rock i saw at nothing. i rode the pirates of the caribbean ride 10 times in a row. on the 11th time i did this, i fell out of the boat, accidentally, and they had to stop the ride. they wrapped me in a blanket, after pulling me out.

i was pissed off and embarrassed. “i don’t want this,” i said, handing the blanket back to them. everyone was looking at me. i didn’t need a blanket! i was strong and i wasn’t even cold. “get this thing away from me!!!!!!” i said, and the park employee went, “uhh, okay, have a nice day,” and i said, “I WILL,” and they went away and i got right back in line for the ride.

sopping wet, i stood in line, staring straight ahead. a small child stared at me and i glared at it.

“what,” i asked.

“why are you all wet,” it said to me.

“because i decided to be, what do you care,” i told it. the mother overheard me and told me not to talk her son like that and i said i was sorry and then everybody stopped talking to me.

i got on the boat again, and after we went down the “waterfall” (which isn’t even scary, actually), i immediately fell out of the boat again (accidentally). they stopped the ride again and the park employees came to get me and i began swimming away–you see, i was embarrassed, and decided to make it seem like i did it ON PURPOSE (so that i would still look cool and not lame).

“ma’am, please get out of the water.”

“no, thank you,” i said, swimming towards one of the large ships (which isn’t even a real ship).

the park employees attempted to pull me out of the water and i resisted, grabbing onto the water, except since you can’t grab onto water, it didn’t work and they successfully pulled me out, and wrapped me in another blanket, which i pushed away again.

“ma’am if you keep jumping out of the boat, we’re going to have to ask you to leave the park,” one of them said to me.

i told him i wouldn’t and he sighed and told me to please not do it anymore and i said, “dude, i said i wouldn’t,” and he said, “okay,” and then they left.

and i got back in line.

while standing in line for the pirate ride sopping wet from the water from the pirate ride, something clicked in my brain.

i’m going to fall in again, i thought to myself.

i don’t know why i wanted to keep falling out of the boat. maybe i wanted to see how far i could swim before they caught me, maybe i wanted to see if no one would even notice and i could just be one of the characters forever, or maybe i just wanted another chance at getting a free blanket (because i changed my mind and now wanted it).

either way, i was going back in.

i got near the front of the line and even though i could feel the stares of the employees and fellow park-goers alike, no one said anything to me. when i got to the very front of the line, the employee said, “how many in your party” and i said, “one” and he said, “go to row five.” i looked over at row five and saw that there was already a guy in row five, and that i was going to sit in the middle of the boat, rather than on the side. this was going to make it difficult for me to fall out. row four was empty, though. “i’d like to be in row four,” i told him. “i’m sorry but no. you have to go in row five.”

“you don’t trust me,” i said.

“you’re the woman who keeps falling out of the boat, and we need you to sit in row five,” he said. “fine,” i said. i walked over and boarded row four anyways.

“ma’am. row five.”

we stare at each other momentarily and i squinted at him.

“fine.”

i climbed over the row, poorly, and tripped into row five, next to the man. “hi,” i said. “hello,” he said, looking away. when i was sure the employee wasn’t looking, i turned back to the man next to me and tapped his shoulder. “may i switch seats with you,” i said.

“no,” he said.

“please.”

“no, i want to sit here.”

“let me switch with you.”

“what? why? no.”

the boat started moving. i asked again.

“we’re already moving.”

“please.”

“no.”

“c’mon,” i said, beginning to climb over him.

“no! what’re you doing! hey! help!”

it was too late. i had forced him over to the middle. before we even got to the waterfall, i flopped out of the boat. they stopped the ride. the park employees ran over and when they tried to grab me, i ran through the blue bayou restaurant.

i managed to do this 13 more times, albeit needing to take a break every couple of hours, so that i could dry off slightly, sometimes changing clothes, to throw everyone off. the reason i was able to do this without anyone physically making me leave the park was as simple as this: i honestly have no idea.

on the 17th time, however, they had my number. i had just taken a very long break by riding the teacup ride literally 26 times in a row (no one else was in line) and then i made my way back to the caribbean and took my place in line. i noticed an employee staring at me and speaking quietly into a walkie-talkie, so i pretended to inspect a plant that i was standing by. when i turned back to look at the employee, he was gone–and i was in the clear.

when i got to the front of the line and awaited being given my boat seat assignment, suddenly an array of people descended on me, from all around. they had me surrounded.

“ma’am, we need you to exit the ride and come with us,” they said to me.

“i will not,” i told them.

“you will, or we will have to make you.”

so i made a run for it. i was able to swing my body around a large wooden pillar and fling myself into the water, where it was shallow enough to traipse through rather than swimming. the disneyland employees quickly chased after me, but here’s the thing–i am a very quick water traipser. i might not be the quickest swimmer, but i can run through water like it’s air–what can i say, it’s a talent. the disneyland employees were too slow, but this was expected–most people are slow at walking through water.

but not me. i shot through the shallows at 35 miles per hour, which must’ve both confused and frightened the employees because they held back. one of them screamed, and another shouted, “how is she so quick?”

another shouted, “is she… human?”

when it was clear that the disneyland employees were concerned that i might be some sort of alien, they stopped chasing me and instead cleared everyone out of the ride.

the caribbean was mine at last.

but it wasn’t long before i heard police activity outside–yes, that’s right, there were so many polices out there that i could hear them, and their activity, from INSIDE the ride, despite the fact that the “yo ho, yo ho” song WAS still happening. finally, someone spoke to me using some sort of microphone: “we are not here to harm you. please exit the ride peacefully. repeat, we are not here to cause you any harm, and will make sure that you are safe. please just come out of the caribbean.”

it was clear to me that the police were going to stay there until i excited my new paradise–i knew this to be true because that’s how police go. if i was going to leave, i had one condition: i was NOT to be in ANY sort of trouble. since i didn’t see that happening, i decided to go another route: with all of my might, i PULLED one of the boats off of little track, and dragged it through the water and out to the front of the ride.

“there it is!” exclaimed a policeman (one of the smaller ones), as he pointed at me. a medium-sized policeman said, “stand down,” to his teammates, as i pushed the boat OUT of the ride and onto the sidewalk, where it landed upside down. i climbed under it.

“ma’am… we do not want to harm you. if you will just come out from underneath that boat, we will just talk to you for a moment.”

from under the boat, i said, “oh, no, i’m not who you’re looking for.”

“yes, you are.”

“no. she’s back in there. she’s in the caribbean.”

“ma’am, we saw you come out and flop this boat over the wall. you looked at me in my eyes. please come out.”

from underneath the boat, i said, “you’re going to arrest me.”

“we’re not,” he said.

“lies!” i yelled, just as thunder rumbled and lightning crashed. coincidentally, a monsoon was beginning, most likely causing the police to believe i was an alien ever further, and that i had just summoned a storm (which i had not). the rain began pouring, and worried murmurs broke out amongst the police.

“we will not arrest you,” the main policeman exclaimed through the rainstorm. the rain was coming down hard–it appeared to be a microburst of sorts. the sidewalks were already becoming flooded at a rapid pace.

it was then that i decided to lower my guard–and trust. i got out from underneath the boat and stood in the rain facing the police. the water was several inches high at this point and growing higher with the second.

“i believe you,” i told the main policeman.

he stared at me in my eyes, held up his hand to the other police, and shouted, “arrest her!”

now in this moment of vulnerability where my trust had been betrayed, as expected, one might think i would crumble. however, i knew that there was one person i could trust.

me, bitch.

the water was up to our knees at this point. all of disneyland, as far as the eye could see, was flooded. so as the police rushed towards me, all of the holding handcuffs, i did the one thing i do best:

i traipsed.

i traipsed through that small flood faster than i had ever traipsed before, reaching a personal record speed of 47 miles per hour. i traipsed from new orleans square all the way to the disneyland entrance, through the flood, fleeing from the storm coming down on me from the sky and the storm chasing me on the ground (the police, who were VERY easy to escape).

once i was out of disney, i ran straight through all of the other shit outside of disneyland until i found myself outside of a walgreens. unknowing of what to do next, i stood still momentarily to catch my breath. i had just done a lot of traipsing. 

all of a sudden, i heard a voice calling to me from the walgreens.

“are you her?”

i turned to see a walgreens employee standing in the entrance of the store.

“what,” i said.

“are you the girl who fell out of the pirates of the caribbean boat 17 times and then traipsed through the park at the speed of a car, escaping the police who deemed you to be an extraterrestrial because it seemed like you made it rain?”

“that is correct,” i told him.

he smiled. 

“we’ve been waiting for you. come in–it’s okay. you don’t have to be afraid.”

i squinted at him, considering this.

“you’re safe here,” he said.

i don’t know why i believed him, maybe it was because a part of me wanted to believe that i could trust people and probably it was more because it was still storming REALLY fucking hard and i wanted to have a bottle of water, but whatever it was (it was the second one), i followed him inside. what i was met with would change my life forever as well as piss me the fuck off.

all 270 of the walgreens employees stood facing the entrance, staring at me as i walked in. every single one of them was smiling. their king, a small man with a face that made me assume he invented ventriloquism, approached me.

“you are the king, i assume?” i asked. i already knew the answer.

“yes. we’ve been waiting a long time for you to complete your journey,” he said.

“what the fuck are you talking about,” i asked gently. 

all of a sudden, the lights went out. the only light left in the room were the 270 pairs of eyes of the walgreens employees, all of which were glowing white.

“ah, fuck,” i said.

…to be continued in part two: all of the employees at the walgreens by disneyland are aliens and have mistaken me for their queen.

*author’s note: i wanted to end this. i didn’t want this story to keep going, but i had no choice–this is just what happened. i wanted so deeply to be free of this story that i have thought of, at least once a day, for almost three years, for inexplicable reasons. but fuck me to hell, it lives on.*