Horrible News: The Scientists Are Angry With Me

Recently a self-described scientist emailed me telling me about how I was extremely wrong about something in an article I wrote–and he was SUPER dramatic about it.


To be honest, if this scientist had actually read the article, he would’ve seen his question addressed and that, actually, I was not wrong. You see, I’m never wrong, but that is not the point of this particular sentiment. The point is, that this scientist, and by association, all scientists, have decided to argue with me and therefore lower the standards of his entire profession. It is this that has forced me to do what must be done: I’m putting all scientists on blast.

That’s right–if you’re a scientist, I’m sorry, but you’re on blast. From me. What does this mean, exactly? Well, it means that I… it means. Uh. It means! It meANS THAT I’M MAD AT YOU AND ALSO THat you are… rude.


It’s not my fault that scientists have suddenly just DECIDED to become rude. I didn’t ask for this. But am I, now, in the position of having to tell them this? …Yes. Yes. I am.


I’ll just showcase my very favorite parts, so that I can get to my most favorite part.


He begins… with a “LoL”. 

That’s right–I, Audrey P. Farnsworth, have singlehandedly set the entire… thing… of Health Physics Society AFLAME. I finally did it! I finally have caused a branch of science to completely catch on fire. But let’s focus on what’s important here:

Now, as you are probably also thinking, what kind of fucking scientist would EMAIL ME and BEGIN his email with “LoL”? The answer is: definitely a real one. I was unaware that this is how scientists speak, but I am glad that I have finally angered one enough to find out for myself. Honestly, thank god. All these years of putting scientists on pedestals only to face this ordeal at the end of my hero’s journey towards Making All Scientists Like Me? Well, that just shows me that I should’ve been putting someone ELSE on a pedestal–and I’m of course talking about myself. I deserve to be on my own pedestal, not all scientists, and especially not ones who write “LoL” at me. And THAT, my friends, is called “self-worth.”
But I digress. Let me continue with a few more clips.

I haven’t yet! As of this morning, you are the only scientist to have emailed me. But I hope to receive more. I hope every physicist on the planet emails me.


The point is, that at the end of the article, he said this to me:

Sorry, let me be more clear:

That’s right–I’ve been assigned my own personal scientist, to ask scientific questions to. Finally! Finally, I can retrieve the answers I’ve been looking for, from a real, live source. And I am going to utilize this (I would be foolish not to!). My first question is simple, and one I have been waiting to speak with an actual scientist about for a long time now.

I would like to discuss Jurassic Park–all of them, but, first, specifically one thing–with the scientist. Here is the draft of my email.

Sir–in The Lost World: Jurassic Park, a group of scientists (like you) (okay, one of them is a photographer, but it’s Vince Vaughn, so we can ignore him) is attacked by two parent t-rexes, as they believed them to have stolen their baby t-rex (really, it’s all a misunderstanding–they were fixing the baby’s broken leg!). After retrieving the baby, the t-rex mom and dad push the RV over a cliff. Dr. Sarah Harding (Julianne Moore) falls and seemingly is about to crash through the glass bottom of an RV–which does not break. It should be noted that Eddie has already died at this point (RIP). 

What comes next is the single most nail-biting scene in all of Film –will the glass crack? Not right away, apparently! She stays still as to not break it. When it is FINALLY shattered, she is saved by her boyfriend, Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum), when he quickly grabs her “lucky pack” and holds it out to her. She grabs it quicker than I have ever seen anyone grab anything in my life, hanging through the now-broken RV bottom, and he, presumably, pulls her up and they all secure themselves on a rope as THE ENTIRE RV FALLS DOWN AND THEY JUST PASS RIGHT THROUGH IT AND STAY ON THE ROPE.

So, my question for you, my personal scientist, is this: What the fuck? 

What is this scene? As a child, it was the single most important scene from a movie to my life–it shaped who I am today. But enough about psychology–that’s not your thing, I know. Let’s talk science. So, scientifically speaking… what the fuck? First of all–do you think that the glass should’ve probably broken immediately upon her falling on it? Or is there a special kind of glass that wouldn’t do that? Is glass science? Also, when she moves her hand, gently, over the glass, it appears to crack WITH the movement of her hand–this sight alone made me think for all of my childhood that I could crack glass just by my hand floating above it. I guess my question here is–that was just done for “style”, right?

Don’t worry, not all my questions are glass-related. The next question I have is about purses. Let’s talk about that “lucky pack”. Is there literally any purse on this earth that could actually hold the weight of a human adult hanging off a cliff? I’m pretty sure most purses are just sewn together with like thread. Is there a thread that is strong enough? Scientifically? Also, is it really reasonable that they wouldn’t have all fallen down into the ocean WITH the RV? I mean, they would’ve, right?

My next question for you, my personal scientist, is this: Are Compies the most bitch-ass dinosaurs? In my opinion, they fucking suck shit and I hate them, but what are your thoughts on them, scientifically?

I’ll have more questions later. I don’t want to overwhelm you! You have only just today offered to me your support in answering all of my science-related questions. You can rest assured I will never abuse this!

Until next time,

Audrey Farnsworth

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