hello it is amazon, and you will be buying these blankets! or we will find you!

hello there, it is us, here at amazon the website. we have decided what it is that we want you to be buying today. it is: blankets! won’t you take a look at this list of blankets, and then proceed to buy these items (blankets)? you actually must comply!

you will be buying this blanket this evening.

here is the blanket you will be buying, this evening. this is the one! we know that you would like to be buying this blanket, which is why we have chosen it for you. you are very welcome, for this! have a good blanket! and you will!

here is another blanket, that you will be buying.

unfortunately we do not have any further information on this one, at this time, but here is the photo of it again:

welcome to your next blanket. here is the new one, that you will be buying! don’t you like this one? here it is, just for you. please place this into your shopping cart, and be going to the checkout area.

your next blanket is this one. you will be buying this now. don’t even think about not buying it.


here is your next one of these blankets. go forth and buy this blank. we know you are thinking about not buying this blanket. we know this, and we have a message for: stop that immediately. if you do not purchase this blanket, we will be finding out about it. and you will not like what will happen, in that case.

your next blanket is forthcoming. here it is… now:

and lo, the lord said until you specifically, “buy this blankie or i will be pissed as shit!” he did say that, and you will be buying this blanket.

and do you recognize this particular blanket?

you should recognize it, because you have bought this one before. you will use the “buy it again” option, and buy this sweet blankie bean, again. “why is this ever an option for something like this, that i already do own?” you might ask yourself, and if you find yourself doing so, cease immediately! if you don’t stop thinking this is a fucking stupid as fuck option, we will be finding you. it’s a smart option! buy it again! BUY IT AGAI

your next blanket is this one, and it is, as you can see, a Near Blanket.

HERE IT IS, HEre is another fucking blanket!!!!!!!!!!!! we at amazon know that you only like and want one thing, and it’s the thing you bought last weekend!!!! they’ve changed how the earth is, and now everyone is assigned one thing that they need, and yours is blankets!!! congratufuckinglations on this!!!!!

we know your home address. you have been assigned blankets as your item. we regret to inform you that if you do not purchase these blankets, we have already realized that you have decided this and are taking action. you see, we know you. we know what you like, and we know what you want. therefore, even if you think you’re not wanting all of these blankets, we know this is not so. and that is why YOUR WISH LIST ITEM OF BLANKET has just been REDUCED IN PRICE. PLEASE ADD THIS ITEM TO YOUR CART AND PROCEED TO THE FUCKING. PROCEED TO TH. PROCEEEEEEEEEEED TO THE CHECKOUT AREA. THANK YOU. HERE IS THE BLANKET AGAIN. COMPLY

we know that you are probably wondering what the hell is going on and why you are not allowed to choose your items any longer, on our website. we here at amazon value your customer service, to us, and hahaha what? we value your customer service. we value you as an employee. hey, welcome to amazon, it is your first day as a new employee here. today you will be selling: blankets! we’ll see you in hell, 

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