i’ve decided that every time they release a trailer for godzilla vs kong, i’ll probably need to get my emotions out through writing a blurb about it like i’m godzilla’s PR. this is for my own self preservation because, frankly, i don’t know what to do with all of these extremely stupid feelings about a lizard movie. also, i hate king kong. he’s an angry, immature asshole. sorry about my opinions!
godzilla’s PR addresses the media after the release of the “godzilla vs. kong” trailer
i take to the podium before a crowd of reporters in an undisclosed location deep within my own psyche. [note: this has already started very badly and can only get more unhealthy.]
me, the self appointed PR for godzilla: hello everyone, i,
the microphone falls because i have smacked it with my anxious hands. i pick it up and speak into it while trying to put it back into its holder,
me: sorry i,
it won’t stay in there!
me: fuCKING SHIT—
it stays at last. i clear my throat.
me: like i was saying, i assume you’ve all seen the news today. i’d like to release a preliminary statement regarding the one-sided, dare i say slanderous “godzilla vs. kong” movie trailer, before i begin taking questions.
i pull out a statement on a scroll and begin reading from it like i’m a manager who works at the forest.
me: that was, at it’s core, a one sided trailer playing up the emotional side of king kong. he is friends with a child and is seen being kind to her. he bonded to a kid. this automatically makes him seem like our hero. and then, like a large bat out of hell, we see godzilla pop his fucking monster head out of the water and attack king k, absolutely making it look like he is the “bad guy” of this film. i’ve seen the headlines on the youtube videos. “is godzilla the bad guy?” they say. this is an ignorant, clickbait question to be asking. you don’t know the context. why would godzilla suddenly have SUCH a fucking problem out of nowhere? NEWS FLASH, nothing is out of nowhere. nothing. so there’s probably more to the story than you know. all of that said, i will now take questions.
reporter: is godzilla the villain in “godzilla vs. kong”?
me: what the fuck is wrong with you. what did i just say.
idiot reporter: it just kind of seems like he is!
me: perhaps to those, apparently like yourself, who take things at face value without considering the deeper context of all conflict. if you watch the entirety of the trailer, you hear people say “why would godzilla do this?!” and “something must be provoking godzilla!” these are clues. these questions are unanswered, and you, a simple person, might just glaze over them and remember how king kong is friends with a child. the questions are key, however. take your emotions about child-gorilla friendships out of the equation and look at the facts.
fucking stupid reporter: are you maybe getting too upset by all of this?
me: fucking excuse me?
reporter with some goddamn AUDACITY: i mean, you’re telling us to take emotion out of it, while also being extremely emotional about why you think godzilla is not the villain.
me: you are attacking me. look, godzilla wouldn’t just GET THAT MAD for NO FUCKING REASON—
reporter in the back who is cloaked: what if they become friends, though
the room goes silent.
reporter in the back who is cloaked, a true seer: what if something happens along the way that changes the game, and godzilla and kong become friends
me, flustered in a good way: you there, in the back. what the fuck are you talking about
cloaked reporter: it’s a sneak move, for sure, making that trailer seem so one-sided. but there IS something they’re not showing us, because THAT’S how MOVIES go.
me: get this guy a water bottle. soothe him in some way. i need that man soothed, NOW
one of my people throws the the cloaked a water bottle and he catches it.
cloaked reporter, who i now care for, deeply: thanks. anyways, in movie trailers, they always try and trick you. madden you, even, anger you to make you want to see more. or even…paint one character as a villain and the other as a hero, when perhaps, it might be the other way around OR EVEN that they are BOTH EQUALLY heroic, in their own ways.
me: this man has a point. movie trailers are filled with tricks and everyone needs to remember this.
cloaked reporter: does godzilla show up like a demon from hell with the world’s biggest problem? yes. does he jump out of the sea onto a bunch of planes? he does.
me: he jumps out of the water and crawls on the ground through the planes.
cloaked reporter: yes. but why? this is uncertain, but does not incriminate him entirely as “the villain” who “should lose.”
me, and i am hyperventilating at this point: eXACTLY DUDE.
cloaked reporter, and the love of my life: look, we all—all of us—have a lot of godzilla opinions, so many, in fact, that we are embarrassed by the quantity.
me, and i am perched on the podium like a falcon: godzilla doesn’t even want to be the king, he’s just large!!!!!
cloaked reporter: exactly my point, and all of us—each and every single one of us here and on earth—think at least 3 thousand godzilla opinions per day, on a regular day, when no hollywood trailer is released. and perhaps that is something WE ALL need to forgive OURSELVES for.
he looks directly at me.
cloaked reporter: can we do that today?
i stare at him for 17 full seconds. the rest of the reporters in the room disappear. it is only us.
me: i don’t think so. but just so you know, just because king k is friends with a child doesn’t mean he’s the hero of the story.
cloaked reporter: absolutely, audrey.
me: can you say the thing again about them maybe being friends.
cloaked reporter: it’s possible that, in the end, godzilla and king kong will be friends.
i shut my eyes and smile.
me, and my eyes are still closed: thank you.
they might be friends.