godzilla’s lawyer, who is me, takes the movie “godzilla vs. kong” itself to court

once again, i have arrived to dump all of my feelings about the lizard movie into a document. as you absolutely recall, i took to the podium back in january to defend the allegations against godzilla when the first godzilla vs. kong trailer was released due to the one-sided, slanderous representation of the large lizard. and now, i’m back again to make things right, as godzilla’s lawyer. sorry about my opinions!

godzilla’s lawyer takes the movie “godzilla vs. kong” itself to court

i stand behind the prosecution bench in a courtroom.
judge: welcome to this trial. i am the judge for this and will be in charge of this situation today.

me, godzilla's self appointed lawyer: i’ll allow it.

the defense stares in confusion. the judge stares at the defense. 

judge: well?

the defense: i’ll…allow it?

the judge nods.

judge: do you have any opening statements?

me, and just to reiterate, i am godzilla’s lawyer: i do, thanks. first of all, the view is skewed right from the very beginning of this documentary by kong enthusiasts hell bent on tearing godzilla down. the entire first half of this documentary was blatant and blasphemous character assassination. two seconds in, king kong’s babysitter was like “if godzilla knows about king kong, he will KILL him,” whoa whoa whoa, hang the fuck on for one fucking second! says who?

judge: ah, the prophecy said that.

me, the lawyer: which prophecy.

judge: ah. the one on the. ancient scrolls.

me: oh, some scrolls you read? 

judge: yeah they uh. defense? help me?

the defense: the scrolls said that they are enemies and their ancestors battled and now they will battle as well

me: (puts head in hands) jesus christ you guys gotta stop BASING your ENTIRE BELIEF SYSTEM on some shit you saw WRITTEN ON A WALL about THESE GUYS’ GRANDFATHERS FIGHTING each other--

the defense: that’s not where we found it!

me: then show me the scrolls!  where are you getting your information? as godzilla’s lawyer, i’m going to need to see fucking every SINGLE fact. show me exactly what you are talking about. (points to television where godzilla vs. kong is playing) because i sure as HELL didn’t see it in there!

the defense: we don’t need to relay all of the evidence in the film--

me: the hell you do! especially when you are making statements like “there can’t be more than one alpha” IMMEDIATELY upon the movie starting!

the defense: godzilla is the king and would try and defend his title!

me, and i am now standing on top of my court table: look, godzilla doesn’t LOVE being king. he is a reluctant king! if you remember correctly, at the end of "King of the Monsters," everyone is bowing to him and he is looking around like “what? fine.” he was exhausted! your accusations of him needing to be the alpha are more of a representation of you and your client than of mine!

the weak defense: well, if that’s the case then why did godzilla attack kong when he was on the boat, completely unwarranted?

me, and i have put my chair on TOP of the table, and i sit in that: look, we have all been guilty of, occasionally, displacing our anger. he thought kong was the source of the intuitive issue he was having of SOMEONE being bad to him, and that ended up not being the case. 

judge: order! am i doing court good? i feel like i’m not handling this well, maybe?

me, and i ignore the judge who IS doing a bad job: everyone makes mistakes. when the literal head of your mortal enemy is fueling the essence of a robot built to look exactly like you, it’s perfectly understandable that you might jump at shadows. and sometimes the shadow is a LARGE MONKEY who you think is causing the issue when he’s really not. it happens.

judge: sustained.

the defense: that’s not--

me: anD FURTHERMORE, as you recall, after that boat fight, my client gives kong a little stare and he leaves. he doesn’t kill him! he is just like “stay out of my way. i’m figuring something out.” and kong is like “THAT IS MY ENEMY,” it’s just. look, what this is is a CONSTANT misunderstanding. a classic, constant misunderstanding.

defense: okay.

me: does this sound like a villain to you?

defense: i guess not? i don’t know?

me: why didn’t godzilla have a friend?

the very confused defense: what?

me: kong had a little child friend. why did godzilla not have a friend, as well? (to the judge) does that seem fair to you, judge?

judge: (to the defense) why didn’t godzilla have a friend?

the defense: i...don’t have an answer for that.

me: look, i’m sorry godzilla is complicated. i’m sorry he doesn’t wear a little bonnet to make you feel comfortable.

defense: i didn’t ask for— 

me: i’m sorry that he is smart! and intuitive! and sticks up for himself! he knew something was up, and the bad guy was actually humans! but everybody was like “he’s wrong!” and then at the end? he wasn’t. and nobody even said sorry to him. he just walked into the sea.

judge: is that true? nobody even said sorry to him?

defense: (quietly) …no

me, and i’m speaking into a little microphone: can you speak up

defense: NO, nobody. nobody fucking said sorry to him!

the room begins mumbling.

judge: order order! i will have order in my court. and you know what else i will have? justice?

defense: is that a question?

me: objection!

judge: that’s fine! i will have justice here. and justice is, for this situation, someone saying sorry to godzilla for being rude

defense: seriously?

everyone in the courtroom: yes you fucking idiot

defense: okay where do i say it.

we all look at him like he is the biggest fool on the planet. because he is. he is a fool.

me: just fucking say it.

defense: sorry.

me: to?

defense: godzilla.

judge AND me AND i am also sitting behind the judge's desk: FOR?

defense: ...being rude.

judge: case dismissed! 

me and the judge bang the gavel together, we are both holding the one gavel. together.

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