dialogues with technology, volume 1

every day, technology tries to annoy me. either the apps on my phone try to get me to do something, or give me a suggestion disguised as a text message, or a website does not let me inside of it because i am a REGULAR PERSON who FORGETS her login information on a daily fucking basis (normal), OR sometimes it’s a technology employee, telling me my technology is perfect, when in fact, it is broken! 

here are my recent documented, actual conversations with my technologies. none of this has been dramatized.


incident 1: google photos alerting me that it made a collage of my own face

google: a new collage is ready for you

me: what

google: i made a photo collage of your own face, for you, today

me: i don’t want that. why would i want that

google: hey! i made this for you (it’s a piece of shit collage of bad photos i took of myself)

me: i dONT. want this

google: you will be looking at these.

me: n-

google: i made you a new movie

me: i didn’t ask for this and no one has ever asked for it, actually,

google: it’s a slide show of pictures you took of halloween decorations in a CVS

me: i really don’t want to remember that today


google: they’re not even GOOD halloween decorations. why did you film them?


me: i don’t kn

google: i made you another new movie

me: i,

google: remember when you took these videos of a live stream of a bald eagle nest?

me: that was yesterday

google: you put your phone up to a desktop monitor, and filmed it. like a psychopath


me: I LIKE THE BABY EAGLE GET OFF MY ASS

google:we stylized this photo of a fucking tree for you

me: hm. that one is fine actually


incident 2: facebook, in general

facebook: hey!

me: what

facebook: you’ve logged in!

me: just really quick i have to check something for work,

facebook: here is a Facebook Memory for you.

me: no thank you

facebook: no, look at it! it’s horrible! do you remember this?

me: i don’t want to see this

facebook: here is a photo of you and a person you no longer speak to, for horrible reasons, from 2010! it was taken on exactly this day.

me: fffffff

facebook: 9 years ago today, this is what you are doing. you don’t talk to this person anymore!

me: yes, i know, that’s fine,


facebook: hey!

me: please stop

facebook: look at this status you posted in february of 2009! it’s a song lyric, and it’s very passive aggressive! it was posted at 2:12 am. did you forget that you used to act like this, publicly?

me: i genuinely did forget, yes. thanks for reminding me

facebook: hey!

me: what else

facebook: here is another status you posted, 11 years ago today

me: i don’t want to know anything i was doing 11 years ago

facebook: it’s a sentence that blatantly doesn’t make any sense, and it’s posted in all caps!

me: i was 20, nothing made sense and i THOUGHT in caps

facebook: hey

me: christ

facebook: we have a suggested friend for you today! do you remember that person we mentioned before? the one you don’t speak to?

me: yes. i remember

facebook: cool! well would you like to be friends with their aunt?

me: no

facebook: would you like to be friends with their cousin?

me: no!!

facebook: how about their friend from high school?

me: no dude!

facebook: hey!

me: whAT

facebook: here are your memories. it’s all the bad ones

me: dO NOT. SHOW ME. ANYTHING. EVER AGAIN

facebook: hey

me: i want to delete my profile

facebook: but then how will you get invitations to birthdays?

me: god dammit. fine i’ll keep it

facebook: i am never going away. for some reason people still use me!

me: it’s probably the birthday thing

facebook: it’s probably the birthday thing!

me: i just said that

facebook: ψ ⛧̸̢̼̊̆ͅ ̷͍̞̦̿͜ψ̴͈͓̋̈́͠ ̴̥̎̈́͝⛧̶͍̎͋̒͝ ̵̞̼̈́̈́̃͝⛥̵̖̽ ̸̳͕̪̭͆͝l̶̜̊i̴̺̭̽̀͘ͅs̴̱̀͛ț̷̥́̈́e̶͚̺͖͊̀ņ̸̱̓̃ ̵̡͚̹͂t̷̗̘̓̔̕ǒ̸͖̳̱̬͆͠ ̷̩̽͂m̵̻͈̜̿̐́͂e̷̜̒ ̸̡̛̹͉̦̒̕͝n̵̈́̀̿͘ͅó̵͉̻̺͂̃w̷͕̠͎͍͆̂̔ ̷̰̲̮̊̉̏a̵̡͙͒̃̎̉n̵̝̂͘d̶̰̖͔̠̅͛̽̀ ̵̛̣̟͚f̷̣͔̎ô̴̮̪͂̌r̴̳̼͈͖͊̑̾ê̶͎̳̬̌̑̏ͅv̵̥̼̼͉̔̉̉̔e̵̥̙͚̭̓̂ṛ̶̃̉ͅ ̶̯̪͕͇͆͆̐ĭ̷̖̕ͅ ̶̹͇͈̈̿̆ͅw̵̗̠̮̽͊͠î̷̘̜͈̑̕ĺ̸̯͠ĺ̷̪̞͓̘͒ ̵̪̘̞̔̉̏̚b̶̢̳̓̿e̴̢͗͋̓ ̷̯̞͍̄̈́̂͘h̵̜́̑́a̴̫̝̒͐͊͠ͅv̷̼̦̰̑ì̷̗͌̎͜n̸͇̙̼̍̅̂̕g̶̼̙̈́̌͐ ̴̻̫̝̏͛̐y̷̥̱̬̍̀ö̶̡̲͍́͜u̵̠͎̍ ̵̻̘̬̭͊̐ḥ̷̫́e̸̼̦͖͋̉͗́r̴̟̐͘e̷̪̻̭̋ ̷̰͇͑̂͘̚⛧̴̰͔̿ ̸͔̱̲̜̀͐̋̅⛧̶̗̃ ̷̺̭̦̇́̚ͅ⛥̸̞̠̃̕ ̸̷̡̡͓͙̩̲̀̀͊̉̐̓̽͜ ⛧


incident 3: bumble telling me that i am in charge of who i give me time to

bumble: hello it’s me. did you know that you are in charge of who you give your time to

me: yes thanks

bumble: come on in here and give your time to one of these clowns

me: i don’t think so

bumble: why not?? u don’t want A Guy putting down your interests during your first meeting? c’mon i got those in here

me: no thanks

bumble: c’mon. there’s some real bitchass wastes of time in here

me: you told me not to waste my time-

bumble: i said youre in control. and you are. you are in control of coming the hell on in here and giving your time to an idiot. let me give you an idiot

me: I’M NOT. going in there. EVER*
*denotes lie

incident 4: spectrum causing my descent into hell

me: i have a problem with my internet

spectrum: looks like your internet speed is perfect

me: my internet’s not working

spectrum: literally we’ve never seen internet connection more perfect than yours! wonderful job

me: i

spectrum: you have 0 problems! With this or anything


incident 5-??: attempting to log into Any Website in safari

all of the websites: please enter your username and password, a simple task,

me: do not. ask me that FUCKING. RIDDLE

Web Site: please, the one you chose. please- you chose it,

me: let me in. i want see my Things. NOW

website: easy. it is easy, truly. please, your username,

me: FUck you

website: please. surely, you can remem-

me: this is my bank. give me it

website: your username is probably your email. do you know your email

me: mY WHAT?

website: your email, your email!

me: what the hell are you talking about?!

website: please click on the forgot username/password option

me: no

website: please click on the forgot username/password option

me: i did

website: did you forget your username or password?

me: yes

website: which one

me: why don’t you go to hell

website: did you forget both of them

me: FUCK YOU

website: every time you visit me, you have forgotton both your username and your password. do you often have a hard time remembering things?

me: you bitch- there are hundreds of you. i am not my dad, and i do not have a tiny notebook of my passwords, because, you dumbass, i would OBVIOUSLY lose that, as well. this is a no win situation and it’s your fault

website: truly it isn’t.

me: give me my emails

website: this is the bank website.

me: give me my bank on my computer

website: you have to enter your username and pas-

me: a curse

website: what?

me: i am putting a curse on you

website: what kind of curse?

me: an enchantment

website: that didn’t answer the question-

me: stOP ASKING ME THINGS

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