every day, technology tries to annoy me. either the apps on my phone try to get me to do something, or give me a suggestion disguised as a text message, or a website does not let me inside of it because i am a REGULAR PERSON who FORGETS her login information on a daily fucking basis (normal), OR sometimes it’s a technology employee, telling me my technology is perfect, when in fact, it is broken!
here are my recent documented, actual conversations with my technologies. none of this has been dramatized.
incident 1: google photos alerting me that it made a collage of my own face
google: a new collage is ready for you
google: i made a photo collage of your own face, for you, today
me: i don’t want that. why would i want that
google: hey! i made this for you (it’s a piece of shit collage of bad photos i took of myself)
me: i dONT. want this
google: you will be looking at these.
google: i made you a new movie
me: i didn’t ask for this and no one has ever asked for it, actually,
google: it’s a slide show of pictures you took of halloween decorations in a CVS
me: i really don’t want to remember that today
google: they’re not even GOOD halloween decorations. why did you film them?
me: i don’t kn
google: i made you another new movie
google: remember when you took these videos of a live stream of a bald eagle nest?
me: that was yesterday
google: you put your phone up to a desktop monitor, and filmed it. like a psychopath
me: I LIKE THE BABY EAGLE GET OFF MY ASS
google:we stylized this photo of a fucking tree for you
me: hm. that one is fine actually
incident 2: facebook, in general
facebook: you’ve logged in!
me: just really quick i have to check something for work,
facebook: here is a Facebook Memory for you.
me: no thank you
facebook: no, look at it! it’s horrible! do you remember this?
me: i don’t want to see this
facebook: here is a photo of you and a person you no longer speak to, for horrible reasons, from 2010! it was taken on exactly this day.
facebook: 9 years ago today, this is what you are doing. you don’t talk to this person anymore!
me: yes, i know, that’s fine,
me: please stop
facebook: look at this status you posted in february of 2009! it’s a song lyric, and it’s very passive aggressive! it was posted at 2:12 am. did you forget that you used to act like this, publicly?
me: i genuinely did forget, yes. thanks for reminding me
me: what else
facebook: here is another status you posted, 11 years ago today
me: i don’t want to know anything i was doing 11 years ago
facebook: it’s a sentence that blatantly doesn’t make any sense, and it’s posted in all caps!
me: i was 20, nothing made sense and i THOUGHT in caps
facebook: we have a suggested friend for you today! do you remember that person we mentioned before? the one you don’t speak to?
me: yes. i remember
facebook: cool! well would you like to be friends with their aunt?
facebook: would you like to be friends with their cousin?
facebook: how about their friend from high school?
me: no dude!
facebook: here are your memories. it’s all the bad ones
me: dO NOT. SHOW ME. ANYTHING. EVER AGAIN
me: i want to delete my profile
facebook: but then how will you get invitations to birthdays?
me: god dammit. fine i’ll keep it
facebook: i am never going away. for some reason people still use me!
me: it’s probably the birthday thing
facebook: it’s probably the birthday thing!
me: i just said that
facebook: ψ ⛧̸̢̼̊̆ͅ ̷͍̞̦̿͜ψ̴͈͓̋̈́͠ ̴̥̎̈́͝⛧̶͍̎͋̒͝ ̵̞̼̈́̈́̃͝⛥̵̖̽ ̸̳͕̪̭͆͝l̶̜̊i̴̺̭̽̀͘ͅs̴̱̀͛ț̷̥́̈́e̶͚̺͖͊̀ņ̸̱̓̃ ̵̡͚̹͂t̷̗̘̓̔̕ǒ̸͖̳̱̬͆͠ ̷̩̽͂m̵̻͈̜̿̐́͂e̷̜̒ ̸̡̛̹͉̦̒̕͝n̵̈́̀̿͘ͅó̵͉̻̺͂̃w̷͕̠͎͍͆̂̔ ̷̰̲̮̊̉̏a̵̡͙͒̃̎̉n̵̝̂͘d̶̰̖͔̠̅͛̽̀ ̵̛̣̟͚f̷̣͔̎ô̴̮̪͂̌r̴̳̼͈͖͊̑̾ê̶͎̳̬̌̑̏ͅv̵̥̼̼͉̔̉̉̔e̵̥̙͚̭̓̂ṛ̶̃̉ͅ ̶̯̪͕͇͆͆̐ĭ̷̖̕ͅ ̶̹͇͈̈̿̆ͅw̵̗̠̮̽͊͠î̷̘̜͈̑̕ĺ̸̯͠ĺ̷̪̞͓̘͒ ̵̪̘̞̔̉̏̚b̶̢̳̓̿e̴̢͗͋̓ ̷̯̞͍̄̈́̂͘h̵̜́̑́a̴̫̝̒͐͊͠ͅv̷̼̦̰̑ì̷̗͌̎͜n̸͇̙̼̍̅̂̕g̶̼̙̈́̌͐ ̴̻̫̝̏͛̐y̷̥̱̬̍̀ö̶̡̲͍́͜u̵̠͎̍ ̵̻̘̬̭͊̐ḥ̷̫́e̸̼̦͖͋̉͗́r̴̟̐͘e̷̪̻̭̋ ̷̰͇͑̂͘̚⛧̴̰͔̿ ̸͔̱̲̜̀͐̋̅⛧̶̗̃ ̷̺̭̦̇́̚ͅ⛥̸̞̠̃̕ ̸̷̡̡͓͙̩̲̀̀͊̉̐̓̽͜ ⛧
incident 3: bumble telling me that i am in charge of who i give me time to
bumble: hello it’s me. did you know that you are in charge of who you give your time to
me: yes thanks
bumble: come on in here and give your time to one of these clowns
me: i don’t think so
bumble: why not?? u don’t want A Guy putting down your interests during your first meeting? c’mon i got those in here
me: no thanks
bumble: c’mon. there’s some real bitchass wastes of time in here
me: you told me not to waste my time-
bumble: i said youre in control. and you are. you are in control of coming the hell on in here and giving your time to an idiot. let me give you an idiot
me: I’M NOT. going in there. EVER*
incident 4: spectrum causing my descent into hell
me: i have a problem with my internet
spectrum: looks like your internet speed is perfect
me: my internet’s not working
spectrum: literally we’ve never seen internet connection more perfect than yours! wonderful job
spectrum: you have 0 problems! With this or anything
incident 5-??: attempting to log into Any Website in safari
all of the websites: please enter your username and password, a simple task,
me: do not. ask me that FUCKING. RIDDLE
Web Site: please, the one you chose. please- you chose it,
me: let me in. i want see my Things. NOW
website: easy. it is easy, truly. please, your username,
me: FUck you
website: please. surely, you can remem-
me: this is my bank. give me it
website: your username is probably your email. do you know your email
me: mY WHAT?
website: your email, your email!
me: what the hell are you talking about?!
website: please click on the forgot username/password option
website: please click on the forgot username/password option
me: i did
website: did you forget your username or password?
website: which one
me: why don’t you go to hell
website: did you forget both of them
me: FUCK YOU
website: every time you visit me, you have forgotton both your username and your password. do you often have a hard time remembering things?
me: you bitch- there are hundreds of you. i am not my dad, and i do not have a tiny notebook of my passwords, because, you dumbass, i would OBVIOUSLY lose that, as well. this is a no win situation and it’s your fault
website: truly it isn’t.
me: give me my emails
website: this is the bank website.
me: give me my bank on my computer
website: you have to enter your username and pas-
me: a curse
me: i am putting a curse on you
website: what kind of curse?
me: an enchantment
website: that didn’t answer the question-
me: stOP ASKING ME THINGS