a compiled list of all of the wells fargo employees who refuse to listen to my math poems

wells fargo has nice customer service and i don’t have any problems with my banking experiences there, except when it comes to one thing:

none of these customer service representatives will listen to my math poems when i call for that reason.

in no particular order, these are the worst employees i have dealt with (thus far).

BRENDA
brenda is the worst. every time i call, she’s like, “account number, please?” and i’m like, “the absolute value of the square is three/the absolute value of a prism is me/2 plus 2 plus 2 is you—” and she stops me mid-poem and is like, “ma’am, can I please have your account number?” and i try to continue and she fucking hangs up on me.

STEPHEN
don’t even get me started on stephen. if he answers the call, i say, “per chance, if you will /don’t let it be chance / if 3 + 8 is 91, then you are my prince,” and he goes, “excuse me?” and i say, “did you enjoy that one?” and he says, “what are you doing?” i am so sick of this happening, with stephen. it’s like, seriously, man? wow. it’s called poems. learn it.

JOHNATHON
i straight up don’t understand johnathon. he always seems to like my poems at the beginning, but then after i say one and he goes, “that was nice,” and i try to go into another, he says, “miss, I’m going to need you to tell me why you called if we’re going to continue–” and i cut him off and begin singing, “thrice i’ve seen a dividend! / 3 times in my life, I have seen that guy/ i’m looking for 5 but i can’t find the bank,” and he says “are you looking for the nearest bank location?” and i say, “hypotenuse! hypotenuse!/ nay to the fouls who hath never seen one/ 75 + 82 is thord!” and he says, “”thord?” and i begin the non-vocal, clapping portion of my poem, and that’s always when he disconnects me like i’m nothing. like i AM NOTHING.

PENNY
i thought penny and i were cool, but then one day when i called, and began my rhymes, she immedaitely put me on hold and i didn’t even realize it for about 13 minutes, so I was just singing my poems to no one!!! to no one at all!!! i am hurt by this!!!!

PAMELA
once i called and pamela answered and said, “thank you for calling wells fargo, i am pamela,” and i said, “7 is the number, 7 is the one/ 7 times 2 is nothing, this i know/ i am alone, i am very alone,” and she began crying and said, “me too,” and i hung up because i do not need that right now.

LOWEL
i thought lowel was cool, and then he told me that i can’t call wells fargo anymore, and i was like, but what if i have a question?” and he said, “you obviously don’t,” and then tells me that they’ve been monitoring my phone calls and that i can’t call them anymore!!! lowel! you’ve been monitoring my calls? you got nothing better to do, or what?? WOW, LOWELL, someone doesn’t have anything to do. hahaha someone doesn’t have a fUCKING LIFE! ha! jesus christ, lowel. get your shit together. you’re the problem, i’m not

PEEPO
sometimes i get mad when i call and peepo answers but then i remember that i made peepo up inside my head, when wells fargo told me i couldn’t call them anymore, and i’m not talking to anybody! i’m talking to me! I’M peepo! peepo isn’t real! i made him up! i fucking hate this guy! peepo is a fucking narc!

3 thoughts on “a compiled list of all of the wells fargo employees who refuse to listen to my math poems”

  1. This was absolutely hilarious!! Thank you so much for making a new post. I always greatly enjoy all of them 🙂

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